stale coffee with internal monologue (silicon on canvas)

There's coffee in the microwave from this morning. Should it bother me to drink something that's been sitting for half a day or more. It doesn't. Or perhaps it does, but I'm going to drink it anyway.

A day devoid of conversation. A month devoid of contact with skin. Longer since real human touch. It got all caught up in my chest today. There is something necessary about a sincere embrace. I won't pretend to understand the physiology of it, but I'm certain there have been studies that bear out my theory. If you see a friend, you put your arms around them, and that is expected... and it is something I miss, living in this place.

There were rich times, years ago, we all said we loved one another. We all looked out for each other. Not like today. At least not so far as I can see. We all keep our distance, measuring the space between ourselves and others as if contact were a thin blade.

And perhaps it is the royal "we." "Our" defenses are really mine.

I have been restraining myself... maybe for two years or more. And I can count on one hand the number of times I have spoken from the heart, made myself truly vulnerable, in all this time. Each time, it has shaken me. It never comes out clean. It has to beat its way through my chest and by the time it makes it out it is so tired, no one can hear it. Just a whisper really.

I was thinking of studying Japanese all day today, but opted for rest instead. Watched the first two episodes of that new show, flashforward, which has potential to have real potential to be good. So I hope they don't screw it up. A quick walk down to the Jusco. They have everything there. It's very "supertarget" and I know if I were in the states I'd never go there. But it just seems to make sense here.

Whenever I sit down to write a blog entry, nothing organized happens. It's just these bits of brain-vomit. I don't think I'm giving a very good account of my time here. But I think maybe this is reflective of how unfocused I've allowed myself to become. I keep setting goals and just ignoring them.

My mind has been elsewhere. Even when it hasn't been.